I'm kind of in a mood today. is it the upcoming new moon in Cancer or is it an energetic Sabbat hangover?! ugh
dear family,
Two specific things are on my mind and one of them is a very old wound and the other one is a recently developed piece of angst. Let's talk about the second one!!
I think y'all know how much I am enjoying the Thai BLs I watch in particular, although it's possible that it's not obvious that it is extra exciting and somewhat thrilling to be in Thailand--in Bangkok--which is the place they are filmed, where most of the actors live, and where there are fan events happening every week. I live in a constantly fluctuating state of the possibility of seeing one or a handful of them every time I leave the house. I don't go to the bigger malls yet, but when I do I will be trying to go on days when there are fan events scheduled.
Recently I had a wonderful but brief solo vacation to Vietnam, which is less than two hours' flight away from Bangkok, and right now some of my most favorite actors are literally in Vietnam and judging from the airport photos (I know, I KNOW), some of which they posted, it looks like they took the same airline and probably the same flight that I did. TWO WEEKS LATER THAN ME. AIEEEEEEEEEEE
I'll be fine, I'm just having some ~* feelings *~ about it.
so the first thing, yeah? the old childhood wound? it's about war.
Specifically, it is about being a teenager and having my conservative family of origin war- and fear-mongering constantly because the US was entering into what would be called the Gulf War. Jim technically my father, I don't like giving him the title because it's a sign of respect and I am being intentionally disrespectful would turn the volume up on talk radio so that he could hear it no matter what room he was in, and it scared me badly. I still trusted him to tell me things that were true, and everything he was afraid of and therefore angry or paranoid about, he passed that along to the rest of us. I grew up terrified of war. I thought for sure it would affect us in the ways that it actually does affect people who live in the SWANA region South West Asia North Africa of the world, but it doesn't affect the contiguous US geographically and probably never will. I spent my teens and young adulthood afraid of something that would never happen to me personally, as if that fear was reasonable; meanwhile I was never told that this is an entirely reasonable fear for people my exact age in a different part of the world. I was never told that we--the war machine that is the US--were actively causing this harm to those people. I grew up thinking that I was a victim, not understanding yet that I was part of a legacy of victimizers.
And so now that the US has, once again as always, taken it upon itself to cause immense harm to people in Iraq, it is an awful reminder to me of the harm I once believed was justified. That others still believe is justified. And I don't want to let the war machine of the United States off the hook by using a neutral pronoun, either. Many choices, some made by us in my generation, some made by people in different kinds of power, all of them made by someone with enough privilege to be afforded the luxury of a choice, have led us to this place and will continue to lead us to this place. We will always have blood on our hands and in our mouths.
I have started watching the news again. Because I cannot be unaware of what is happening, and even though the sound of his voice makes me want to scream, I have to hear from his own mouth what the orange deathmachine is saying, because even if it's a speech someone else wrote, he is using his voice to communicate it. When atrocities are being done in my name, I should know which carefully phrased statements are being made about them.
*topic change screech* I haven't seen a ghost yet
Listen, y'all know I love paranormal and metaphysical shit. You know that about me. So you're probably not surprised that I'm disappointed that I have not seen (or heard) any ghosts in Thailand yet.
Maybe it's because our rental house here is in a village and everyone is pretty close together, so if ghosts are making noise it's probably blending into all the other noise. However, I am personally disappointed in my lack of woogity this is our family & friend group's term for paranormal/metaphysical shit adventures so far. I will have to try harder to be in places where there might be ghosts. Except not in a dumbass kind of way.
a handful of things I'm extremely into right now:
Being in new places and experiencing new things has enriched my personal collection of things that bring me joy. Here are a few new ones:
snacks & convenience stores
One of my new favorite things to do is buying a handful (or an armful) of snacks at a convenience store--a 7-Eleven or a Circle K--and shove all of them into my bag except one, which I will open, and eat as I'm walking around. I did this with an ice cream sandwich while I was walking through the Old Quarter in Hanoi recently because 1) I needed a boost to my blood sugar so I could get where I was going, and 2) I needed a visible reason to be ignoring people who were eagerly trying to get customers for the roadside restaurant and bar tables. I had no idea that walking down an alley with an ice cream sandwich in my hot little hands, swinging my arms and dodging motorbikes and other people also walking, would be my new favorite thing, but it is.
I've finally learned that single serving snacks are not some kind of sick joke (I used to always buy the 'family size' bag of Doritos so that I could have Doritos for at least most of a week if I was careful), but in fact it's a beautiful thing to be taking such enjoyment in the moment that you celebrate it by getting an armful of whatever looks yummy at that point in time, and then you eat all of it. Perfection.
layered tank tops
My personal style has always been very influenced by the clothes habits I had in the mid 90s to mid 2000s, which consisted of oversized plaid flannel shirts, baggy boyfriend jeans, low-rise cargo pants, stompy boots, layered tank tops, and band t-shirts over long sleeves. It has been decades of sadness where I could not find any of these clothing items any more because they were out of style, and even the secondhand shops didn't have them any more. I accidentally rediscovered layering my tank tops while I was in Vietnam, because I kept sweating and sweating and in a haze of air conditioning after probably the second shower of the day, I put two thin tank tops on at once and suddenly remembered that I used to do this on purpose all the time.
Next up: find out if my constant search for baggy streetwear-style pants will be successful. I promise I will update you if I find something good.
ramen and eggs
I didn't know that ramen actually TASTES GOOD. At least, it tastes good here, even though it's packaged and not freshly made; Vincent taught me how to add a few things that make it even better, including but not limited to:
- mixing some of the hot pasta water into the oil & spice packet mix
- melting a slice of packaged cheese with the just-drained hot ramen noodles and spices
- a generous squirt of other sauces (current favorite combo is gochujang sauce and some japanese mayo)
- an egg, either overeasy or scrambled
SPEAKING OF EGGS, in Thailand there are so many beautiful and delicious eggs, and I'm eating so many eggs right now. I love eggs. I don't love eggs in the United States because they have made me feel sick for decades now. I guess that's a US problem because that doesn't happen here. Go figure.
I love y'all. I miss y'all. how are you doing?
I want to hear all about it.
xox,
Nix
epilogue:
Welcome to the hell we're living in
And the ending of the world, we're witnessing
You can cry for help, no one's listening
No, no one's listening
Welcome to the hell we're living in
And the overexposure's sickening
You can cry for help, no one's listening
No one's listening, so listen in
Watch the stars walk the red carpet
Watch the cops shoot the wrong girl in her own apartment
Become a slave to the free market
Where you pick up the gun or become the target
Watch the downfall, watch the closing credits
It's over, forget it
You know where it's headed, straight to the gutter
Watch as the winter warms up like summer
Watch it all through your new smartphone
With a battery mined by a child in a war zone
Then pretend to be ignorant, watch the cognitive dissonance
Watch the court get stacked (Stacked), the bad guy win (Win)
Watch, 'cause you're looking at the mess you're in
This phone is a mirror, and I am just a reflection
--selection of lyrics from BRAINROT by grandson [watch the music video]
I want to say something here after these remarkably upsetting lyrics--it does feel like this right now for a lot of us. It feels like we're constantly having to consume things even if we don't want to. It feels like we are screaming and nobody hears us. It feels like when other people are screaming, nobody cares. It feels like the whole world is upset and at the same time like no one will do a damn thing. And I just want to say: if I care, and if you care, and if we are doing at least SOMETHING to undo this disease of harm and exploitation that we were all born into, we are going in a better direction.
If I care and I'm listening, and if you care and you're listening, then how can we say nobody's listening?
featured image is a photo by Ash Hayes on Unsplash
