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CAMP HANSEN, Okinawa — Hospitalman First Class Robert F. Kennedy was recently made the leading petty officer of the currently deployed Battalion Aid Station for the Second Battalion, Seventh Marine Regiment. It’s a move he has long desired but does not come without controversy. “I am making Havoc healthy again,” says Kennedy, the son of former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, a longtime advocate for alternative medicines. “First, no more Motrin. That shit is causing autism in our Marines. Have you seen the heavy guns platoon? Case closed. Second, screw tourniquets. Blood is supposed to flow. So, traumatic amputations? Arterial bleeds? We are going to let those things work themselves out. I am done subsidizing Big Tourniquet. Also, dry socks are out. Toes need to breathe. So, Marines will be barefoot from here on out.” Kennedy’s innovations primarily revolve around medicine considered “unsupported” and sometimes “ardently opposed” by traditional caregivers with “actual medical degrees.” His beliefs have seen him spend hours at the Camp Hansen chow hall excoriating local national Sodexo employees about ultra-processed foods, food additives, toxic chemicals, and industrial agriculture. Reached for comment, Capt. Theo Ratcliff, a Navy doctor, said he is “seriously worried about Kennedy’s protocols” but also “can’t disagree that the chow at Hansen is pretty shitty.” "There are some things that Doc Kennedy gets right,” says Ratliff. "The Navy health expert class has given us a Marine health collapse. If you go by the battalion’s S2 shop, you will see evidence of serious personality disorders among Marines. Fox Company is like one huge sexual addiction meeting. The computer nerds in the comm section? All easily 40 pounds overweight. And don’t even go by a Radio Battalion. They have kids over there licking windows.” The Marines Kennedy serves have mixed feelings about his appointment. “He tried to cut off our WiFi in the barracks,” said Lance Cpl. Jason Armentout. “He was yelling about Wi-Fi causing cancer and ‘leaky brain’. I don’t really give a shit about all that but I was mid-jerk when he cut my Wi-Fi and that shit ain’t right.” “I went to BAS to get some condoms for the animals in Echo Company,” said Staff Sgt. Pasco Davidez. “Kennedy starts in about rubbers leading to low birth rates and that AIDS may not be caused by HIV anyway. Man, I am just trying to keep these idiots clap-free for this deployment. Just give me the rubbers.” Even Kennedy’s fellow Corpsmen are skeptical. Golf Company Hospitalman Second Class Chad Albaugh worries about Kennedy’s focus on fluoridated water. “He’s telling Marines not to drink the water here. First off, this isn’t Camp Lejeune. You can drink the water. Plus, if you tell them not to drink water, these fuckers will just up their intake of Monster and Keystone Light. That can’t be a good thing in the long term.” Thunder Chicken is probably on the dental hit list.
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