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THE PENTAGON — As the nation reckons with the aftermath of a second assassination attempt on former President Trump, the Department of Defense is actively looking for ways to prevent this from ever happening again while examining how the attacks were thwarted. The former President has survived both attacks on his life, and top Pentagon officials think they may know why: thick layers of artificial tanner and copious amounts of Diet Coke. Given his advanced age and ability to dodge bullets, the DoD and U.S. Public Health Services Commissioned Corps have begun studying the effectiveness and implementation of these substances, starting at the source. “It is no secret that President Trump is a big fan of a healthy lifestyle,” says USPHSCC doctor, Cmdr. Deena Loomer. “He golfs frequently and uses a sunless tanner instead of baking his skin in the harsh sunlight. On top of that, he stays away from alcohol and prefers to drink a no-calorie soda alternative. Pretty smart, if you ask me!” Even Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin agrees. “I have never needed a tan, fake or otherwise,” Austin stated. “But for a long time, I avoided diet soda because I heard it could cause cancer… lot of good that did me!” “If loading up on Tab and applying several layers of St. Tropez mousse can save lives, I say we devote every penny to supplying those items to our service members,” said Austin while chugging a Sprite Zero. The Pentagon’s investigation into such technology is not without its opponents. Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), for example, is strongly against military budget increases but very much for tanning beds. “The budget is bloated enough as it is and while I love tanning, I want to do it in a small, family owned, strip mall suite; laying down, under UV lights, tiny plastic goggles lightly scratching my eyelids, and smelling myself roast like a Christmas goose, just as God intended,” Paul remarked. “To tell you the truth, I don’t trust artificial tans, I don’t trust artificial sweeteners, and I damn sure do not trust a teetotaler,” Paul confessed. “You say this will make me bullet proof? Then I say that it infringes on the rights of law-abiding gun owners to hit the targets they shoot for!” Outside of Washington, some everyday Americans like Maryland high school teacher, Danayala Beverly, shun any scientific findings that come from this. “I survived a school shooting when I was in high school and now, I have to do active shooter drills once a week with my students,” Beverly explained. “My sister teaches kindergarten and we recently took advantage of a two-for-one deal on kevlar vests at our local outdoors shop. I think, maybe, just maybe, the Pentagon is focused on the wrong issue here.” Regardless of any defense potential to be found in dihydroxyacetone or aspartame, Americans must accept that there is no way to prevent gun violence, even against a former president. We can only deal with the outcomes and try to minimize harm. Afterall, this is simply a sad fact of life. Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.
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