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 CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Theological scholars from around the globe and across faith traditions today came together in a conference and agreed that God, in fact, hates the infantry. The conclusion contradicts millennia of consensus that God loves the infantry. According to Dr. Edmund Thatchington, head of Heavenly Interventions in Human Tragedy at Oxford University, this was “an outright, bald-faced lie with immeasurable, cascading consequences for countless generations of humanity.” “Let’s just take an objective look at things,” Thatchington said in an exclusive interview with Duffel Blog. “In ancient times, you had men lining up under crushing loads of armor and weaponry, in suffocating heat or bitter cold, and basically hammering and prodding one another to death until someone on a horse called it off or died themselves. “Fast forward to more modern times. Just watch 1917, Saving Private Ryan, or Restrepo, then look me in the eye and tell me God does not 100% revile the infantry,” he added. Scholars elaborated that the proof of God’s deep, white-hot enmity toward the infantry lies not only in the obscene, state-on-state mass murder in which they formally engage over and over and over and over again but in the mundaneness of their day-to-day lives. “When they’re not hocking jagged metal at one another with stunning speed and devastating precision, infantrymen are destroying their bodies and minds under unreasonable loads and stark conditions, ensuring they’re useless outside the military by only learning to dig holes, burn feces, and not sleep or eat, and giving themselves lip, tongue, esophagus, and stomach cancer with Copenhagen. God despises them,” Dr. Wilford Bookley of Cambridge’s School of Divinity opined." “And I think they know it,” he added. The view from the East is nuanced but similar. “The infantry shows us a classic example of not only the truth of suffering but also of the truth of the cause of suffering,” said His Holiness The Dalai Lama, adding that the cause of the suffering of the infantry “is obviously the infantry itself.” Disagreement from within the ranks, however, has been sharp and swift. Army Chaplain Mark Smith, an evangelical pastor who ministers to the needs of all soldiers in Fort Moore’s One Station Unit Training, said, “I didn’t earn a master’s in divinity from Hobby Lobby School of Arts, Crafts, and Jesus to just tell my flock of infantrymen that God doesn’t love them, and all Catholics are going to hell.” Meanwhile, Barracks Theologian Jayce Crotty noted that “drill sergeant told me the sky is blue because God loves the infantry — I got a sick tattoo about it. There is no way that tattoo could be a mistake,” the soldier added, flexing his arm to reveal a tattoo of an angel of death holding a M-240B machine gun, surrounded by thunderclouds. “This is sure to get me laid,” he added. Task Force Football Bat loves the infantry.
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