who was on judge mathis the day before yesterday? #290an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: christian from springfield, missouri. christian strides into the courtroom wearing obama’s brown suit, a red tie, and carrying an accordion of truth™ the size of a honda accord. i hope there’s something juicy stashed in there! defendant: jalesia from springfield, missouri. jalesia stomps down the courtroom catwalk looking like the jet beauty of the week, with a black cardigan buttoned over a red top, a fashion belt, long dangly earrings, and the most elaborate brown wig i have seen in a minute balanced precariously atop her head. gorgeous gorgeous! the complaint: christian claims jalesia kicked and damaged his car when she was wasted, so he’s suing her drunk ass! what does he want: $1787 how it went down: christian begins by saying he’s a criminology student at the university of missouri and if it was me on the other side of the courtroom? i would pack my shit up and go get him a money order before he could embarrass me in front of all of america. i remember being absolutely gobsmacked when csi the show first came out; i had no idea someone could lock you up for robbing the apple store because, say, one of your eyelashes fell out while you were shoving a bunch of ipads in a laundry bag??!!?!? i learned in one episode that i am too careless for a life of crime, i would do some stupid shit like kill a guy and then lick every glass in the room, just flood the whole space with bits and pieces of my DNA. i would do every dumb ass thing short of writing my name and address on the wall in the victim’s blood, which is why i don’t do shit but sit in my house and watch basketball. anyway, if a criminologist wanted to sue me i would just pay him because there’s no way i could outsmart his ass. christian says he met jalesia through his ex-girlfriend and they dated for two years. wait, he and the ex dated for two years or he also dated jalesia and that lasted for two years??? also, why isn’t the ex here???? imagine how much fun that would be. christian says that he and jalesia (i think? it’s hard to discern) broke up because he caught her cheating on him. greg asks him how he found out and christian says he went through jalesia’s phone and found some texts. “what did the texts say?” messy-ass greg asks him, and christian blushes and sheepishly says, “baby, did you like that?” which is hilarious to me because unless homeboy texted that from the pillow next to hers it’s kind of too fucking late, right??????? i haven’t had sex with a man in a very long time and it’s depressing to find out they’re still up to the same shit. ask a woman while you’re fucking her if she likes how you’re fucking her! what’s she gonna say three days later, “umm not really actually, i wish you would’ve drilled the left side a little more forcefully and also closed your eyes the way you look at me without blinking creeps me out” lmaoo this is insane. the judge asks jalesia if she wants to give him any background before they get into the thorny details of the case and, to my absolute delight, she starts to run down her entire fucking cv: double major in health communications and dance, founder of a dance troupe at missouri state, “very active throughout the campus community,” 4.0 GPA, exceptional student, volunteers at every charitable organization she can, takes in stray animals, feeds the sick and shut in, solved homelessness, working on a cure for cancer, etc etc. i love that she didn’t fall into the incredibly obvious trap of talking about who cheated on what and where and with whom! okay wait, i might’ve misunderstood what’s going on here. the judge says something like “tell me what happened, it’s wild that your ex-girlfriend’s friend messed up your car” but a few minutes ago it really did seem like the cheating texts christian was referring to belonged to jalesia (in my defense, the camera panned to her for a reaction and also my brain is as smooth as an egg) but i guess not? i watched the beginning again and yes, as unclear as the interpersonal dynamics between christian and jalesia seemed to be at timestamp 1:02, by timestamp 2:53 the judge establishes that it wasn’t the two of them who dated, the uncoupled couple in question was christian + jalesia’s friend. greg thinks it’s weird that homegirl fucked up her friend’s man’s car??? i think it would be weird if he’d done something to her and she hadn’t. i remember one saturday afternoon in my youth when a friend called me and the first words out of her mouth were, “do you still use bricks to prop up your air conditioner?” i knew immediately what she wanted them for. we hung up and i dragged my window unit into my bedroom and collected the bricks from the ledge and put them in a walgreens bag for her without hesitation. godspeed to his windshield, i guess! anyway that’s literally what friendship is. what is being a sexually frustrated woman in your mid-to-late 20s if not wanton vandalism plus a little willful and malicious destruction of property??? christian says that he had no idea his girlfriend’s friends hated him until the night in question, when jalesia got “violently drunk” and assaulted his car. listen up, brother: if you are dating or married to a woman, guaranteed at least one of her friends hates your fucking guts. it’s just a rule of being alive. don’t sweat it, it’s probably not even personal, that’s just how things have to be to keep the earth tilting on its axis. christian says that he was unknowingly walking out of the club behind jalesia and his ex (he didn’t know it was them because “the hair, the makeup, and the nails girls do when they go out” which is so funny considering that jalesia’s wig is WIGGING in court today) and the girls turned around to look for someone else but were disappointed when all they saw was him. the two parties exchanged some “sarcastic words” in the parking lot before christian got into his ride and the girls walked to their car. christian does a loop around the parking lot (why) and when he circles back jalesia stands in front of his car with her hands up, telling him she wants to fight. i know looks can be deceiving but this young woman is five feet tall and a dead ringer for brittany chippette. my man was scared of her??? he says jalesia was blocking his way so he just sat there (in a nightclub parking lot??) until she stepped aside. my incredulity, of course, is not because i think christian should’ve mowed her down (although she is small enough to be a speed bump) but because i refuse to believe that a disco in freaking missouri doesn’t have a costco-sized parking lot attached to it. that is one of the major benefits of living in a not-big city in flyover country: lots of stupidly big, wide open spaces where you can just, you know, leave your big stupid car. there’s no way he couldn’t just drive off! christian says that when jalesia slid over half an inch and he somehow managed to circumvent her (imagine that) and as he did he saw her punch his car with her fist. christian says he “let it go” and while he was still driving around the parking lot one of his passengers asked “to be dropped off at [christian]’s ex’s car” (see what i mean? you could probably land a plane in that lot) so the friend could ride with the girls to the dorm (or maybe the after party, jalesia is trying to interject but the judge keeps shutting her down) and as christian pulled over jalesia punched his car and started kicking it, too. absolutely showing my age here, BUT: this is how i’m picturing this all going down. the judge asks, in his gotcha tone™ natch, if christian called the police and obtained an estimate from a mechanic and, quel surprise, he did both!! that’s that criminology certificate proving its worth!!! greg asks what the police investigation concluded and he says he “chose not to prosecute” because they are college students and he didn’t want to ruin her future. so in the interest of not tarnishing jalesia’s legacy, christian instead chose to drag her on national tv and call her a violent drunk. very thoughtful!!!! the ruling: jalesia’s version of the story is that she and her friends were leaving the club when christian came swerving through the parking lot acting like he was going to hit them so yeah, she tried to kick his car, but only because he was trying to break her legs with it! the judge asks, “why do you think he would do that?” and jalesia’s earnest answer is, “BECAUSE HE’S RUDE.” bahahahahaahahhahha for some reason judge mathis hates this girl, and he mocks jalesia as she tries to explain the distances and angles of the various cars that she was supposed to have memorized? in the middle of the night?? after she’d been drinking??? “hold up, sister, before we go to the after hours spot let me just pull out my protractor and draw a to-scale diagram of where everyone was located in this airplane hangar-sized parking lot when dude was playing like he was gonna run me over.” i don’t have a dog in this fight but that’s crazy to me? just make her pay for the damages, no need to drag her for not being a civil engineer, goddamn! okay, he hates her because she’s lying. jalesia continues to claim that she never even touched christian’s car, but the judge reads directly from the police report that she told them she “repeatedly struck [his] nissan with her hands.” not to underestimate her strength but unless jalesia turns into the hulk when she’s angry is it even possible for her to do two grand worth of damage to an altima with her bare hands??? that doesn’t matter (she should be studied, right?) because greg is over it. judgment for the plaintiff, and probably for the folks over at sallie mae. did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “that’s a little more than rude, ma’am. why do you allege he was attempting to murder you?” *bangs gavel* thanks so much for subscribing to bitches gotta eat. this post is public, so please share it with everyone you have ever met.
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