who was on judge mathis yesterday? #275an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: thomas from chicago, illinois. MY MAN!!!!!!!!!! thomas strides confidently into the courtroom in a jet black suit, crisp white dress shirt, and a big red tie from the donald trump collection of enormous red ties. seriously, it’s thick!!! thomas is giving santa claus, but as a pimp or a hustler in the 70s: cool-ass black cane; gray hair slicked back into a waist-length (!!) ponytail; and a long, shiny white beard cinched with a fucking hair tie. has there ever been a cooler dude on this show?? scratch that, on this planet??????? defendant: timothy from chicago, illinois. timothy is tall and big-boned(ed), looking sharp as a tack in his black slacks and matching dress shirt with a silky blue pocket square and thick black rectangular frames. his balding pate is gleaming beneath the overhead lights as he beams at the camera, and i think i might be a little bit in love with them both?? where were these fine gents when i was spending my rent money on idiots twenty years ago?????? the complaint: thomas met timothy in a production class and claims he loaned him money for court fees (that wasn’t a clue???) but has yet to be repaid, so now he is suing. countersuit timothy would like $1500 from thomas for emotional distress, which is hilarious because it’s scientifically proven that men don’t have emotions! what does he want: $410 come on now, brother! this is not a sexy amount!!! how it went down: thomas begins his testimony “hello, my name is reverend thomas dwyer…” (and i’m sorry i can’t finish writing this because i am in HELL for calling a minister a pimp??? why hasn’t this laptop burst into flames) “…and i am a magician.” wait a minute, is it my fucking birthday??? I FREAKING LOVE MAGIC. here’s one of my favorite david blaine tricks. or my other absolute jam, david blaine tricks a couple of G’s. my current magic obsession is oz pearlman. my entire youtube suggestion feed is court shows (DUH) and oz pearlman freaking out football teams. i can’t get enough. especially the football ones, where these big brutes suddenly become wide-eyed little kids. jalen rose’s face at the end of this one is me every single time i watch one of these clips, even the ones i’ve already seen a dozen times before. man, i really love magic!!!!!!!!! thomas says “i would like to show you a magic trick” and honestly?? just give him the victory already! he instructs the judge to name a card and greg (absolutely delighted, black dudes love magic tricks) says “ace of spades.” he reaches inside his coat and pulls out a deck of cards, opens it, and not only is the ace of spades sitting on top, it’s also the only red-backed card in a blue-backed deck!!! amazing!!!!!!!!!! (slackjawed, i just hurled my computer across the room!) the audience claps and the judge, giggling like a toddler, begs “can we do another one or not?” see????? WE LOVE THIS SHIT. thomas then holds up a large white book that he claims is the eighth of the only eight copies of this book in the whole world, and it contains a bunch of copyrighted magic tricks and secrets. the judge is blown away (no, for real) and says the most frustrating thing about magic tricks is he never knows how to do them and if anyone gave me that book i would immediately toss it into a fire. i do not ever want to know how any magic trick is done, i never want to hear a single secret as far as they’re concerned, i want to live in a sparkly fantasy world where some magical ghost switched out my king of hearts or whatever while i wasn’t looking. we get so few chances to experience childlike wonder once income taxes and arterial plaque become a part of our daily realities, let me go to my grave believing a regular ass human being can make a quarter disappear into thin air!!!!!!!! greg asks thomas about being a reverend (please) and he says that he was ordained on halloween in 2012 (PLEASE) and greg essentially asks him to catch the holy ghost to prove it and i am about to leave my body, this is all too much and we don’t even know why thomas (who is kind of weird and annoying) gave his homie four hundred unreturned dollars yet. does the bible say anything about settling disputes in secular fake TV court??? the judge (although *not* thee judge, the most high god, the wonderful counselor, the lord my shepherd, the alpha and omega, el shaddai, adonai, and the only judge who can judge me lol) says he’s gotta move on because he “doesn’t want to play with god” and brother i think we crossed that bridge a long time ago, we’re already three-quarters of the way to hell!! thomas says that a few years ago he decided to create a magic and variety show to give amateur magicians, jugglers, puppeteers, and mimes a chance to showcase their talents on a television show. i can’t even front, i would watch the shit outta that. i’m not sure what cobwebbed, dusty-ass public access corner i’d have to locate at the very end of the dial in order to do so, but i’d figure it out and i’d love it. greg, truly brimming with glee i’m not even kidding, interrupts him to ask if this would be the kind of thing where he could connect with people to learn some of these skills, and he means it??? he says he’d like to entertain “senior citizens and kids” but he’s having a hard time breaking into the industry because he’s “a public figure.” excuse me, WHAT. does he not know he’s on actual television right now? and that the only people watching his show at two in the afternoon are……………….senior citizens and kids???????? judge mathis tells thomas they’ll link up after the show to start his magic lessons (please god, help) and asks how and where he met timothy. he says that timmy was in the class tommy was teaching on how to be a TV magician (okay so this is prior to there being a show? thomas says he had to teach the guys stage presence first in order to come up with a proof of concept, and sure i’ve made a little TV before but what the hell is he talking about???) and often helped with things like lighting and the teleprompter. he says timmy (he really does say “timmy” to refer to this grown ass man) has produced many talk shows and is a great guy. it’s finally tim’s turn, and he says that he’s lived two lives in one: he spent thirteen years as a hairdresser before pivoting to helping the formerly incarcerated reenter society. tim is gay as hell (COMPLIMENTARY) and gesticulates wildly as he tells the judge how he spent 17 years working on the westside of chicago until the state of illinois got so far behind in their payments to the organization he worked for that it was forced to declare bankruptcy. what a fucking saint, man. and what a shitty system. anyway, tim says that after the org shuttered he knew he was going to have yet another life, and this time he wanted to realize his lifelong dream of becoming a talk show host. tim says that his dream was sidelined when he was diagnosed with lynch syndrome (WHY DID I GOOGLE THAT) and had to have his entire colon removed, but he is currently cancer-free. hallelujah, amen!!!!!!!!!!!! thomas says he loaned timothy $160 (the rest is for “court costs”) that he promised to repay the next day. thomas says that he gave him a lot of extra time to pay it back due to his health issues, but he’s at the end of his rope and “doesn’t want to wait for his tax return.” i’m sorry but i’ve seen david blaine turn a single into a hundred dollar bill, you mean to tell me thomas can’t just say “abracadabra” and pull a handful of twenties out of a hat or some shit? this isn’t an unreasonable sum of money, can’t he just tap a magic wand on a rat and turn it into a pot of gold??? the ruling: tim says that he fully intended to pay thomas his money back but he got sick and had his colon removed, then he had his gallbladder removed, and can i just donate to a legal fund on his behalf??? this poor man has been scooped out like a fucking jack o’lantern, surely he doesn’t need to be worrying about paying a few bucks back to imitation houdini over here????? greg is like “well, it sounds like you want to pay him back…” and tim’s like “yeah i did, BUT” before reading a bunch of printed out text sheets™ from thomas, one of which reads something like “hey you’re a good guy, let’s just go on judge mathis so i can get publicity for my show and we can shake hands afterward and be friends again.” FRAUD?? AN ACTUAL CRIME??? PERPETRATED UPON AMERICA’S MOST BELOVED DAYTIME TELEVISION SAINTED JUDGE???? not a preacher slash magician conspiracizing in front of a TV camera?????? the judge, now a victim of a felony (i think?? who cares), says that it sounds like thomas waived the debt in favor of a lil publicity which, he notes scornfully, is worth a lot more than a measly $160. tim’s emotional distress is dismissed because a few texts messages and calls from the guy you owe money to aren’t that big of a deal i guess? and despite thomas’s loud and aggressive arguments to the contrary, the judge finds that he did indeed waive tim’s debt in favor of getting publicity for his rinky dink little variety show. judgment for nobody, now watch me disappear!!!!!!!! did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you might want to thank your friend for not having cancer anymore, maybe he performed a magic trick!” *bangs gavel* You're currently a free subscriber to bitches gotta eat!. 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