The candida thing. it’s serious. Those of you who follow me may have read my piece a couple months ago, called Vices. That was at the inception of the issue, the good old days, we’ll call them. Back when I was still getting hopped up on caffeine and writing cute lists about what I planned on eating when I got out of food prison. That was before my body whittled away to the size of gollum, and before I began staring hungrily at you while you munch chips in your car, eat sushi on the gram, and bite into that burrito drenched in hot sauce, on the sidewalk outside of Yuccas, as if YOU are the ring. That was before when I still thought I could have corn on a cheat day, or tomatoes a few times a week. Chips with no grains sometimes, and avocados for every meal. And coffee. I was still drinking coffee. that was BEFORE. Like I mentioned in Vices, I was given antibiotics for an eye infection, and then I got covid. Some sort of perfect storm brewed up inside of my body, wrecked my immune system, and left me with a candida issue, crawling up my esophagus and nesting on the back of my tongue. A doctor prescribed anti-fungals and it seemed to go away… until I ate pizza. A different doctor prescribed more anti-fungals and this time, it didn’t go away. I started googling, and began to understand that this is a common issue and since it’s gut related, it’s food related. If I followed the restrictive candida diet, I seemed to be okay. If I made a mistake, I became overrun. I went to a third doctor. He looked in my throat and saw nothing, but I know how my throat is supposed to look and it usually, definitely doesn’t have a white coating on it. Then he asked me if I’d been tested for HIV. I wanted to punch him. He mused, “maybe you have diabetes.” I told him, for the second time, with all the patience that I could muster, that I’d been on antibiotics for a month, and simultaneously got covid. He seemed confused, like he couldn’t possibly conceive of the ramifications that a combination like that have on a human body. Then he said, “you’ve probably been googling a lot, huh?” He suggested that he give me some fentanyl (this is after I told him I’m sober), knock me out, and put a camera down my throat. I asked what he would be looking for. “Candida,” he said. “And when you find Candida, what will you do?” I asked. “Prescribe you more anti-fungals.” He responded. I summoned my most intense evil eye, staring into his idiot soul and wishing upon him just a small misfortune, and then agreed to running a blood panel, just to make sure I wasn’t HIV positive, diabetic, or had any of the other stuff he suggested might be going on. Like cancer. My bloodwork came back normal. On the phone, he said there was nothing wrong with me. I canceled our follow up appointment and turned to Dr. Google. And over the next month, I got sicker and sicker. Everything on the internet is conflicting when it comes to the candida diet. You definitely cannot have sugar, but many articles say a little bit of fruit is okay. Some pages tell you to drown yourself in yogurt while others say to avoid it at all costs. Fermented foods are amazing! Fermented foods will fuck you up! Cassava flour, tapioca flour, replacements for the zero grains that you are allowed, these are meant to be acceptable and good. Some nuts are great! Almonds, maybe, cashews, maybe, but maybe not. Definitely no peanuts. Oat milk. All good. Just no sugar. Soy products. Both great and horrible. Coffee in moderation is fine. Or it’s not. DO NOT EAT CARROTS. But here is a candida recipe with carrots. Same with tomatoes. Same with fish. Salmon is okay in moderation. Avoid tuna! Popcorn is corn, therefore must be avoided. Popcorn is a good snack while on the candida diet, just so you don’t go crazy. Oh, and oils. Oh, the lists of oils that I have obsessively poured over. Sunflower and safflower are both very good and very bad. Olive oil is always okay. Same with coconut. Stay away from all hydrogenated shit (but thats a good rule of thumb, always). Ghee. Butter. Do it! No, don’t! I could go on but I am boring myself. You get the idea. So, my body became a science experiment, but I would often experiment with a few things in one day, like almond flour crackers and yogurt in the same day. Then I would spend the next three days crawling into bed at three pm with a headache so intense that I couldn’t see out of my left eye. My brain would feel so foggy that I was forgetting the names AND faces of people that I know well, and see often. Different parts of my tongue and throat would feel like they were coated with furry patches. Of course, then I wouldn’t know which thing caused the problem so I’d try again, and accidentally pair it with another “maybe” thing. Not because im a masochist, but because I was starving. At one point, after being extremely careful for a week, I felt incredible, and wholly believed that I was healed. I experimented. French fries one night. I didn’t feel great but I was okay. The next day, Doritos. I spent the next week, so nauseous and exhausted that I may be done with Doritos for life. (And I am known for loving that chip above all else.) Finally, I went to see an acupuncturist. I don’t know what took me so long, aside from being reluctant to pay someone to be told what I already know. I have to stick to the diet. She understood the situation completely. She knew exactly what happened and didn’t assume that I had some other, scary, underlying issue. She told me that in my gut lived a rainforest and it has been killed, slashed and burned. She said it will take one year to heal. She laughed when I told her I’ve been so good, and then listed the foods I’d been eating. Avocado. Jalapeños on everything. Raw garlic on everything. Coffee. Almond butter. Licorice tea. Then she took it ALL away. She said I need to just accept it and get on with my life. This is what I need to do to heal. Period. She gave me a bunch of herbal supplements. No more anti-fungals (apparently that made it worse, killing every remaining tree in my rainforest, every single time I took them). Here’s what I can eat now: Salmon Organic Chicken Grass fed Beef Organic Lamb Turkey Cauliflower Broccoli Bok Choy Cabbage Lettuce Kale Olive oil Herbs Sesame oil Artichoke Asparagus Celery Brussel Sprouts Lentils Quinoa Eggs Lemon Hot water Salt Green tea (moderation) That’s it. That is all I can eat, for the first month, and then she’ll add a few items, allegedly. It’s been a week. And quitting coffee is a special kind of hell. The next time I evil eye someone, maybe this is the feeling I’ll wish upon them. I am bored. Bored with life. Starting to feel depressed. I can’t really go to a restaurant, which was basically my entire social life. I feel like I’m walking around with a fishbowl over my head, everything is sort of muted and dull. I canceled my 40th birthday party. The plan was to go to a fun Mexican restaurant that turns into a dive bar with a DJ after nine, and pass out magic mushrooms (I guess I’m what you’d call “California sober”, it’s working for me, don’t come at me) and have a big ol dance party. But no. I can’t have Mexican food and mushrooms are a fungus. No. The other day, I took my boss’s dog to the vet. He too was on antibiotics and he also has a fungal infection because of them. She prescribed him his second month of anti-fungals. In the car ride home, we had a telepathic conversation about how miserable we are, but it’s probably worse for me because he’s not usually a coffee drinker. Also, he’s used to eating dog food. My diet now consists of bowls of steamed vegetables mixed up with a different protein. I hate cooking, so I make a big pot of this mishmash, put it in a Tupperware, and eat it for a few days. I have chicken flavor, beef flavor, lamb flavor, and salmon flavor. Chicken is my least favorite and when it’s chicken week, I’d almost rather just not eat. I’ve already cheated. I ate a handful of almonds yesterday, and today. And for the past two days I’ve had matcha lattes with oat milk, unsweetened, the first day, but then today I tried stevia (the internet says it’s okay). I’m terrified of what the consequences might be and the anxiety alone maybe makes it not worth it. I promise I’ll be good from now on. Words that are so reminiscent of my life before I quit drinking and the merry-go-round I rode in limbo, swearing I’d never drink again and picking up the next day. The diet seems to be working though. I do feel a little better. You’re a free subscriber to Neon Cowgirl . For the full experience, become a paid subscriber.
© 2022 Holly Solem
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